Jellycat

please stop this feeling..
i know what is happening and i just don't want it anymore.

as i have decided that i am going to visit sea breeze and see if they would sell the things i make. for one i will probably end up not going there because i am a wimp and two i will cock up when it comes to speaking =/ lovely.
i guess the worst they can say is no.. eek.

car was fixed on wednesday, i am now back on the road XD
my ema should be ok, might get it a bit late but should all be back dated, yes!
and... when Ben came over on wednesday we went into town, he found me a owl toy in the charity shop and i also found a penguin which makes noise! too cute. so i have them both and become addicted to making Ben press me so i make noise :) super fun!

sad face.
Hayley and Kristy came round last night, did the norm of brawl and film :) and yums yums.
Ben rang me when the film was coming to the good bit.. eesh. wasn't good news and it sort of sparked off over things later that evening.
i felt no emotion til i went to bed, just couldn't sleep because i was thinking about everything too much. which then meant in the morning i woke up late =/
got my pill from boots and im hoping i havn't taken it a day late, if so eek eek.
my emotions came out when i got to college, however Ben did make things better. i do hope things don't change anymore, i don't want hassle after everything. i want to be settled.
Ben gave me a few new magic cards and we later played with David and Ollie, guess who won... ME! yay!
then went to finish off my wall hanging, i still don't think it is done but hey, have to see what happens on monday i guess. Ben kept visiting me which was nice, felt like nothing had ever happened :)
i hope Meg is going to be ok..

yay.
i am just worried about my ema... i have a feeling i havn't got it then when i do apply again i won't get hardly any money :(

college on monday which was hmmmish. it started fine as i saw sewing some samples but then i had to go and put the embroidery foot on and stab it through my finger =/ luckily it didn't hit the bone but even so... it was still painfull. i made a mess everywhere and i nearly passed out. i got it sorted out by Andy and i had to lie on a teacher for a bit as i was felling a bit fuzzy. i talked to Alex for a bit after and then within the hour i was back to sewing again :) i am a true machinist now!
hopefully by next week i will have a table to do my sewing and work on, i am excited! i can have my own personal space which i have always wanted. get this room sorted out a bit, going to look awesome.
the start of today was pretty bad as i had life drawing =/ hates it but it was my last lesson :) i did a terrible job and when Steve came to help out he made it even worse! silly. so that 2 hours was wasted and then we had a talk after for an hour which was the same as yesterday. so by the time i did do some work it was about 3, gahh.
=/
silly car is STILL not fixed. full stop.
i hope i don't feel hate coming on, don't ask me for advice! i suck.

went to asda on the friday to get drinks and sweets :)
then got ready at my house so we could go to have a meal which was nice, the place was a bit cold but hey.
had a few drinks at mine then went into town even though it was dead =/ met Mike in chaplins for some more drinks, yum to rum! a drunk guy really liked Hayely but she didn't like him, so we quickly moved onto Kirsty's sisters house. she was having a party so we kind of joined it too. played brawl then a random ball game with yet more drinks. then went back to mine for drinks and cherries! so yay to that.
went to Chard the next day but my car broke down so that wasted a good 2 hours :( i couldn't have a proper sit down chat with Lizzy which was very annoying :(
however i did get dropped off and i met up with Emma, Emma and James for some ben and jerries eating in his car, lots of fun i must say!
got dropped off at my nan and grandads so i could see them and do some college word, Lizzy dropped my present off then at 8 my dad picked me up so i could stay at his for the night.
so today was another celebrating day, my nan, grandad, dad, Sue, Lilly, Emma, Arch and Jean came round for some eating and chatting, was very nice :) i then got dropped off home and i feel a bit sad because i miss everyone so much...

yay!
nice day today :)
got awesome presents! one of them being a red old fashioned phone :D loves to the max.
David got me my cardboard life comics which are ace. i also had lots of other lovely things which will be treasured forever :)
going out with Hyaley and Kirsty for a meal later and also going to asda, better get my id card out! wants to buy cooking mama 3 also.
i will spend the weekend with my friends and family so should be lots of fun.
yum yum yum.

had a very busy weekend in London which i must say was ace :D
got the coach and arrived in London about miday, found the hotel which was a little confusing and then explored. we went on the tube to Oxford Circus which was insane in good and bad ways.
1. it was very busy even though it was the evening and
2. there was too many women's clothes shops XD
however i loved the christmas lights and the general atmosphere was great!
had a lovely pizza each to eat and some lemon icecream and mint tea for afters.
got back to the hotel about 9 and listened to our new polysics album which we found in hmv, ahh!
i also bought hello kitty stickers, cinnamoroll keyring and some Japanese sweets. i bought Ben a moomins tin and sweets and i had some random but very nice chewy sweets. i LOVED China town :)
came back for another nibble then went to sleep.
the next day we went to the natural history museum which was awesome! then walked along the embankment where we had lunch. i also bought a felt flower hat and a sock bunny :) so sweet!
we then made a quick dash back to Oxford Circus where i wanted to buy amazing things. i got a totoro toy, moomins figures and a mini moustache :D
then went back on the tube to our hotel and dashed back to the coach.
we had a very lovely trip back, we just enjoyed each others company and to be honest i think things are better because of it.
had film night on moday with Kristy and Hayley and watched the mask then i stayed round Ben's on tuesday and wednesday night as his parents had gone on holiday.
overall i have had a good week so far :)
today was was fun even though i had a hideous mood swing in the morning =/ me and Emma went on a hunt for fabrics and stole lots for us XD i gots me a dress and scarf. Ben was pretending he was the jocky and jumped on my back so i fell over :( was funny thinking about it now although i did ask for it as he said if i wanted to play L4D2 which i said yes to.
ooh, me and Ben had been together a whole year last tuesday :D
yay for my birthday tomorrow! the BIG 18!

today was pretty nice.
did quite a bit of fine art work which i am actually happy with and had ceramics in the afernoon. i made a slab of random patterns put onto each other, doesn't look like anything but that was what i was going for.
i am slightly disturbed by elephants on acid and other bizarre experiments, i was sitting there like this :o but with my hand over my mouth and had to tell Oli and Jack which was probably not the right thing to do as it involved cutting a penis and burning it, a vacuum sucking out a baby from the vagina and a mother monkey eating it's dead baby. i love the fact it said at the end.. and it ate it's lips, like it HAD to be said!
d'aww, Emma is very sweet, she always has a smile on her face :)
only 1000 more words to go with this freaking essay! gah.
and... i am in love with my cute little sketchbook <3 sad but true.

lets just say i feel like im getting into this project.
need to eat and need to do an essay :)

although it was the same as Burnham, was expected. so it wasn't that great but we found Lizzy and Rob so that was nice :) and then slept at Ben's for the night.
i got a R on my project, Anna really like it but she just wanted me to do some more/better illustrations but she knows i struggle with them. i will probably take a picture of my face and trace it, add different materials to it and hopefully that will be ok.
my plan is to..
do this on friday
do my essay on wednesday, thursday and some of friday
do my personal statement today.
left college a bit early as i couldn't do anything because i had no sketchbook, photocopy card and student id, i hope he wasn't mad =/
i hope Ben perks up.

went to see the fantastic mr fox after college with Ben, David, Maisie and Phil, it was so awesome :D
film night with Hayley and Kristy just after, the norm of brawl and film, obviously!
finished my hat on saturday and i am very pleased with it, wayyyy over the top and completely crazy but hey.
pretty good night last night :) went out for Ollies 21st and saw peoples. DB'S!
Ben's house today and had a massive tidy up session, just very tired now.
im not weak :)

had Ben time last night and yum yum chinese food even though i had tones of noodles!
i seem happier today, i also feel less ill even though i have my horrible cough :(

and i just can't sleep even though i feel urgh.
been listening to Only You by Yazoo, whatever mood i am in this song makes me cry.
i feel i have been neglecting peoples lj's, i will catch up on everything, if it is the last thing i do :)
you guys have helped me with my problems and i want to help you with yours.

and stop this illness, i don't know why this is taking forever to disappear =/
i need to do work but something is not letting me..
everyone probably hates the fact one minute i am ok then the next i am not, i hate it too and i am not surprised if people are beginning to hate me :(
carnival was fun and it really put a smile on my face as i watched it with my favourite person :)
i hope i get a call from him, would give me a boost right this minute.

we are thinking about the future and that makes me so happy.
i went to visit him at work today, everything seemed how it should be. just nice.
i tried to look the best i could despite feeling a little unwell, my nose is peeling like crazy and my lips are two dried stones but hopefully he thought i looked nice.
today i got that feeling in my stomach about seeing him, i also havn't eaten much but i don't feel like it. this is reminding me too much of a year ago :) it excites me.
i hope peoples are ok with me...

i need to fix my lego ring, the spark could be inside that one little piece of orange lego.
please?

17th November 2008
went to the carnival with ben on monday.
we got the bus into town and had a look around waterstones, saw sam also! ben then showed me where he worked which lead us walking to the sea front. it seemed so magical and beautiful. we then crossed the very busy road full of buses and ben held onto my arm. when we had crossed we held each others hand :) then we sat on the wall and had a lovely hug, ben was so lovely and warm, i remember looking up at him and kissing him, maybe a little bit more of a kiss :p it was gorgous. he laughed after because he was saving that till the end but since it happened before he didnt mind! we then walked around the town again which was when it started raining. we then took shelter under this stand on the beach, it couldnt get anymore romantic to be honest :) we hugged and kissed and just talked about everything. i then realised the time - 6 but i didnt care because i was with him and thats all that mattered. we then got chips from a van and then went into town to shake shack to get a hot drink and doughnuts. yum. i was hungry but because i was just so happy and excited i didnt feel like eating :( we then met up with two of bens friends and watched the carnival with them, they seemed very nice. nick was very funny, he just kept saying random things about the carnival making me chuckle :) ben bought a frog umbrella so we could stand under it, i let nick and emma have mine. carnival was basically the same as burnhams but hey i was with ben, what else could i ask for? we kept looking at each other and kissing and hugging, it was pure bliss. i rang hayley to see how she was getting home as the buses wernt running however i got a lift with her which was greatfull for. that night was the best :)
yesterday we had sculpture which was ok however the video we watched wasnt, argh very boring indeed. ben gave me a can of 7 up which he promised me the day before :) i also went over to him and we hugged, he said i had something for you so i asked what it was then he said it was a ring. he pulled it out of his pocket and gave it to me :) aww it had a orange lego piece on it, i saw one on the internet and really wanted it and he gave me one! i was so thrilled and thankfull for it :) once sculpture was over we waited for fran to teach us but she never came, we waited for ages and had a huny for her but she just wasnt in. everyone then started leaving till it was me, aimee, sophie and ben. i went and saw ben to give him a hug. we must of sat with each other for an hour but i wasnt complaining. he is incredibly romantic and we just sat and kissed and cuddled :) he picked me up so i was sat on his lap and we kissed. that was when michael walked at and was like not in here please. ha. we ignored that after about 30 seconds. ben then went to see david so i went to see everyone but only aimee was left :o she was like you got told off by michael and i could hear you, meh i thought. then aimee went home so i was all alone :( i finished sponging my book then just looked around at everyones work. ben and david then came back in which was good. not long after hayley and kristy came in to see me :) we had a chat and went to the dark room, i couldnt get out and they laughed at me! i was in a funny mood and started going crazy and threatening hayley with a pencil, god knows why..... so they went after a while. ben came over to me when i was wondering around and gave me a hug. his friend david didnt seem very happy so we gave him a hug. i then walked away to do something and went back to see ben but i couldnt see him.... i then heard a scuffing of feet under a table and found him hiding! so i went after him  and hid too in my area. he obviously found me under the table and when he did he hugged and kissed me on the floor :) we then got up and you guessed it kissed some more but it was incredibly hot this time. we touched each other all over our bodies and i remember him lifting my top up and stroking my stomach which made it tingle although it was incredible. this lead to more things.... :) when my mum picked me up she just kept asking about work etc and i was just like hmm all the time as i could stop thinking about ben. he is amazing.
today was nice also :) print today was also good.
lackadaisy soon.

if both people talk about it?
i don't think it is right but then again Ben thinks differently to my view.
i had this little feeling inside me on wednesday, i could tell something was going on with Meg and Ben.
he then came back to my house to sleep over and everything was fine, went for a walk, played animal crossing, watched cowboy bebop but there was something about him which wasn't right.
since i knew his laptop password i read his message history while he was sleeping the next morning. i knew i shouldn't of read it but i couldn't help myself, it made me burst into tears. everything i thought was true. Ben has a bit of a thing for Meg but she doesn't because she doesn't want to hurt me. i ended up crying on the floor which was when Ben woke up and i told him. he just sat there and said nothing while i yelled at him as the same thing is happening AGAIN.
we were a little late for college but it didn't matter, my heart just wasn't in the work that day. i was crying for half the day infront of everyone but i just did not care. i ended up working in the library as i wanted time to myself. this was when i saw Hayley and as soon as she spoke to me i burst into tears again. we went to the toilets and i told her everything, everything which has been bothering me about Ben. i think you can guess what she wants me to do but i just can't do it, i love him so much. however despite this it made me feel a lot better telling someone, i can trust her as i have known her for quite a while.
i went to talk to Ben again, i know i scared him to start with but after a while he just didn't seem bothered and had that same expression he gets when he argues with his mum.
Rob came in at lunch so everyone had a good old chat, it was nice but Ben just was not himself. it really worried me but what could i do? me, Ben, Rob and David went to watch the fireworks on top of a hill but we missed/couldn't see most of them but it was fun anways. we had a quick tea at Rob's then i took everyone home. i was hoping Ben would come back to mine so we could just huggle but he said he was ill and that was that.
when i got home i went straight on msn which was when Ben and Meg started talking to me. Meg was saying how sorry she was for everything and then started to say about what Ben had said in the past. everything geared up for a break up but i just wouldn't have it. Ben was being weird with me so i ended up ringing him twice, second time i was in tears but i said to him i would pick him up from his house. nearly damaged my car in the process but i can tell you it was worth it. he seem much happier and he came out in a flash all ready to stay at mine again. i made out with him pretty much as soon as he came out of the door, we both needed it after everything. so that night was nice, we didn't do much but i just wanted him there, that was all i wanted.
he seems a bit off with me today, maybe because Meg was there or maybe something else. i want to be friends with Meg despite things because she seems a really nice person. she also feels the same about me and i hope it stays or even grows as time goes on. i just want everything to be forgotten about and carry on because apart from that it was all peachy. i want to carry on as Ben is a part of me, inside and out.
now it is coming to to that time when we first met, i want that spark to come alive, like it did nearly a year ago. this may sound odd but when Ben wears his hat he wears in the winter, there is just something about him that i just love even more...
i hope we find that spark and i hope things turn out... well, how they use to be. when we first fell in love <3